Package Deal

Today is a mixed day. This day we celebrate J’s first taste of virtual working life, B’s last day of online Year 10 study and we are saddened that S is Covid positive in the USA. On the bigger picture, our nation has a change of Prime Minister, again, in the midst of another record day of Covid numbers. Motherhood is a package deal – a mother’s pain and regrets, a mother’s joy and happiness. Becoming a mother means also I’ve lost myself to motherhood, and there’s so much in my mind that family comes first, children’s wellbeing comes first and we mothers live for another, and not ourselves.

Being able to raise and watch our children grow is a privilege. I am so proud of every milestone in their lives, and able to witness their growth means so much to me. I have many regrets as a mom – what I did and didn’t do. There is no manual, training or education to prepare us to be a mother, and we all have regrets, because we are fallen mothers. 

Motherhood is indeed a self-discovery journey where our Heavenly Father reveals to me my disposition, and convince me how much I need to depend on Him and keep my eyes on Jesus Christ. I have my fair share of blame, shame and guilt. The way I act or react, what I struggle with, what triggers me, what drives my actions and what makes me most vulnerable. 

There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel’s veins

And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains

The dying thief rejoiced to see that fountain in his day

And there have I, though vile as he, washed all my sins away

Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood shall never lose its pow’r

Till all the ransomed church of God be saved, to sin no more

E’er since by faith I saw the stream Thy flowing wounds supply

Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be till I die

When this poor lisping, stammering tongue lies silent in the grave

Then in a nobler, sweeter song, I’ll sing Thy pow’r to save

Yet His Redeeming Love has been my theme, and shall be till I die.

I have asked God many times, how is it just and fair to judge a person with infirmities in the same manner as the one without such infirmities. If we see an autistic child, we’ll usually treat him differently or not judge his misconduct in the same way due to his conditions. But if there is a disability internally yet others cannot see outwardly, will others judge us the same as a person without such disability? After so many, many years of searching, it came to me unexpectedly at this time, that “My grace is sufficient for you.” No wonder that those who are forgiven much, will love much. His grace is endless to forgive my sins as a helpless sinner and redeem me with His love, even though I am prone to wander from His love. His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness.